I didn’t know what present to get my editors over at What the Fangirl for Christmas. We met through the show Once Upon A Time through podcasting. Both are big fans of the SwanQueen ship. My editor, Bri, is a big fan of My Little Pony. So, I wrote her and Alex a terrible Once fanfic with ponies.
Happy holidays, everyone!
Morning in Storybrooke shimmers! Morning in Storybrooke shines! Emma Pony knew for absolute certain that everything was certainly fine! There’s the Mayor on route to her office. There’s Mr. Gold making some deals.
“Morning kid!” Gold waved.
Her Storybrooke was so gentle and still. Can things ever go wrong? She don’t think that they will.
Morning in Storybrooke shimmers! Morning in Storybrooke shines! She knew for absolute certain that everything was certainly-
Ugh. Emma Pony turned and found Killi Filli ogling her from the porch of old Mare Lucas’ diner. Sure, he was a handsome stallion, but he wasn’t that deep when it came to thoughts and plotlines. Unless it dealt with his dead brother or his ship—which Emma Pony was certain he humped at some point—the guy didn’t have much else going for him. He needed to get a job.
“What is it now? I was having a beautiful day!” Emma Pony trotted over.
“Robin Hoof has gone missing!”
Emma Pony rolled her eyes, “He probably got tired from not having enough screen time and did an episode of Timeless or something.”
Killi Filli shook his long black mane. She had to admit he was pretty hot until he opened his mouth, “He was supposed to meet your father for a job interview at the police station but never showed up! My secret love is worried!”
“What?” Killi Filli blew it off. Everyone knew about the deep sexual tension between her dad and the pirate. Geez, they should just kiss already. As long as Emma didn’t see her dad like that, who cared?
Emma yearned for hot chocolate with cinnamon and apple slices, but it was time to be the savior! She turned, “I saw Mare Mills back there. We’ll ask her!”
They galloped down the street until they spotted Mare Mills leaving the town shrink’s office. Archie Hoofer was a good man.
“Regina!” Emma cried.
Regina turned and her mane flowed in the wind. Emma gaped as the sun hit it just right. Not now, angsty pony thoughts! You have to save the day, and Regina was taken anyway!
“What’s the matter?” Regina asked.
“Robin Hoof is missing! Do you know where he is?” Killi Filli asked. “We’re supposed to have a male only pool party with my mane man David AKA Prance Charming at the nude beach!”
“Ugh, too much information,” Regina huffed.
Emma asked, “Do you know where Robin Hoof is?”
“Why would I know?”
“Aren’t you dating?” Emma held her breath.
“No,” Regina confirmed, and Emma internally cheered. “He never had a conversation with Henry ever. Like no talking on screen a single time. I can’t marry a stallion that won’t talk to my kid.”
“Point taken,” Emma nodded still checking out all four legs of sex on Regina. It’s like they ran all the way up to Camelot and back. “Killi Filli, go to my dad and stay with him.”
“He’s probably with Snow White Tail,” Killi Filli pouted. Lord, he was lucky he was pretty.
“There’s a thing called threesomes and polyamory. Go for it,” Emma Pony shooed at him.
“Yeah! Best of both worlds!” Killi Filli cheered and galloped off.
Regina smirked, “I thought he would never leave.”
“Same. Okay, down to business. What now?” Emma smiled.
“Let’s go ask Gold. He probably has a magical item of doom that will fix this entire problem,” Regina said.
Emma cocked her head, “Why do we always go to the evil bad guy for problems? You would think we would ask the Blue Fairy. She’s the greatest source of good magic.”
“We’re contractually obligated to talk to Gold. Adam and Eddy said so. Besides, I’m pretty sure that Blue is actually Queen Chrysalis in disguise.” Regina led the charge.
They arrived at Mr. Gold AKA Rumpel Stallion Kin’s pawn shop and kicked in the door!
Rumpel Stallion Kin shined a small silver box on the counter, “What’s the occasion, ladies?”
Emma eyed the box, “Is Robin Hoof in there?”
“No,” he laughed. “Belle needed a vacation, so I stuck her in this box for a week.”
“That’s wrong!” Regina yelled.
He shrugged, “When we’re here together, we make each other sad. Besides, I have a magical blow up doll of Mare Mills evil other self that I keep in the back for when I get lonely.”
“Ugh,” Regina grimaced.
Emma wondered if she could get one of those dolls. Focus, Emma Pony!
She stepped up to the counter, “Do you have a random magical object #47 to help us?”
He shook his head, “I only have a random magical object #53 at the moment.”
Regina scoffed, “Like that would help us now!”
“Use you magic, ladies,” Rumpel said matter of fact.
Emma brightened up, “Yes! We have magic! I always forget about that unless the plot is relevant!”
Regina nodded thanks to Gold and led Emma outside, “If we use our magic together, we might could find Robin Hoof.” She held out a hoof.
“You want to hold hands?” Emma tried not to mouth breathe like a nerd.
“Yes, don’t be a foal! Give me your hoof!” Regina insisted.
Emma pressed her hoof into Regina’s. The Queen pulled her close and kissed her. Emma Pony tensed, but then, she slowly sank into the feeling. It was right. It was perfect. A rainboom of magic exploded from them and spread over the town. It was the mark of true love’s kiss. Their personal curse of never having love ended right there.
Regina and Emma butted heads together, but Emma had to ask, “What about Robin Hoof?”
“He’ll find another show,” Regina took her new girlfriend’s arm.
Together, they pranced away to tell their son the good news.
Rumpel Stallion Kin twisted the top off of a random magical object. Smoke billowed from it and swirled from the ground up to reveal Robin Hoof. He was trapped inside the entire time!
“Your plan worked,” Rumpel remarked. “Emma and Regina will finally be together.”
“Well, love can make magic. Magic is magic, and in this case, there is no price,” Robin Hoof grinned. He pointed to the door, “Are you coming to Prance Charming’s stallion only beach party?”
Rumple gripped his blow up Evil Queen doll.
Robin shrugged, “Suite yourself! Hopefully Jefferson the Mad Hoofer, 50 Shades of Graham, Knave of Halters Will Scarlet, Liam, Liam 2.0, Victor Franken Saddle, August W. Bridle, and all the hot men will be there.”
“Aren’t half of them dead?”
Robin Hoof shook his head, “Dead is never dead on Once Upon A Time!”
And everyone was gay forever and always.